Been thinking about end of life lately. Friends and relatives passing tends to do
that to you. So many of my friends have
lost one or both parents, or are having to prepare for the end as health issues
and quality of life issues get more critical for our folks. Lost my dad in 2004 and mom’s memory of the
past is gone now. It’s that whole circle
of life thing, with our kids starting families, parents passing on and us
having health and early aging issues, while still providing help for our
parents now and kids as needed. It’s
always been this way, for our parents, their parents and on back in time. It feels comforting to be a part of this
pattern of life on the planet for me.
Like being part of a flowing river or the wind blowing through the
trees. Each little drop or air molecule
doing its part in a bigger movement that has gone on as long as time. Some think this makes their own life
inconsequential, but I think it makes it that much more beautiful. Beautiful in that we can see and do so much
in the time we are given to touch others, take care of others, see, hear, do
and enjoy life and also in the whole majesty of life. Yes I miss and grieve for family, friends and
even pets passing, but I also want to celebrate their existence and remember
for as long as I can. When it is my
time, I hope to go with a fond regard for what I have lived and no regrets for
what I have not. I have to say, I feel
very grateful at this point in life and believe I am ready when my time
comes. And if that time was tomorrow, I
hope you will remember my crazy ramblings with a degree of fondness as well.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
How old am I?
How old am I? You’ve
probably heard the rhetorical question about how old you would think you are if
you didn’t know (and didn’t have a mirror handy!) Being a person prone to self-reflection, I
wondered how old I would think I am.
Like most men, I do have a bit of a 12 year old that peeks out on
occasion. I am also in decent health, stay fairly active, am open to learning
about new things and observant. Those
traits keep me from being too much of a “grumpy old man”. My dad, when he was still alive often joked
about the “old people” in his church, who he would find later to be the same
age or even younger than he was. So in
his 70 and early 80’s he felt younger than he imagined he should feel at
70+. He also stayed active until his
last year . But I am turning 60 this
year. That is a milestone, for
sure. I retired a few years back,
another milestone. I started wearing
glasses in my late 30’s, was diagnosed with borderline high blood pressure a
few years back and had other aches and issues associated with a person of my
age. I would have said that I feel
younger than my years, or that I am younger at heart than others my age, but
that is making assumptions that are not necessarily true, just a bit self
serving and maybe a bit of self denial as well. No, I feel almost 60. I am bald, grey haired
(what’s left), I have to fight the
various issues of age and am seen as an “old guy” by the majority of people I
run into daily. I’m ok with that, I
earned it. Yes, I will keep watching my
weight, working out, taking vitamins, learning about new things, but I am no
longer young. I will be lucky to have 10
more good years (without serious health issues, loss of some ability I have
now, etc.) I am ok with that too. Sure I could live 20-30 more years, but probably
only about 10 will allow the level of activity and functioning and freedom from
serious medical concerns I have
now. So I plan on making the most of the
next 10 while I can. I will try to enjoy
every day I have and not plan too far in the future for the stuff I really want
to do. Not bad advice at any age.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
My Spiritual Journey
My Spiritual Journey
Or how I went from full-time Baptist to “here” in my life.
One of my
first memories is of standing in a crib in the nursery of Central Baptist
Church in Lawton, OK waiting for my mom to get me to go home and have Sunday
lunch. I grew up in that church, going
Sunday morning and night, Wednesday night, church socials, retreats and camps
and socializing with church friends. I
had friends in the neighborhood that attended other churches, including one
catholic, but got all my religious instruction at the feet of my parents and the
Baptist church. I sang in the choir, had
crushes on the girls in church, played and socialized primarily with church
people much of my life. I knew all the bible stories and had read enough verses
over that time that I had it pretty much down.
But I
remember, things I heard from early in my church life not making sense to
me. When I asked my parents, they tried
to explain why those things were as stated in the bible and Baptist dogma, or
even to tell me that I had to have faith and just believe them. But I was told in school about the scientific
advances that resulted from questioning and looking at different possibilities
to make break thru and wondered why the same rationale did not apply to
religion. I didn’t understand why babies
in Africa had to go to hell, why other religions were wrong, or why Jesus would
allow hell to exist if he truly loved us.
When I was around ten or eleven, I realized all my Sunday School mates
had all gone down front to publicly profess their faith and “be saved”. I wondered why I wasn’t and asked but could
not get beyond the “you will know” or “a feeling of peace/grace will come over
you” or other such platitudes. I felt
like an outsider in my family and my church and saw that I would be left behind
if something did not happen. I prayed, I
tried to mentally get to a state that would feel special. Do you know that feeling you can get when
chills run down your spine, or your hair on your arms stand up, or you feel a
sense of euphoria (OK, it could be like the feeling you get from sexual
excitement, or hearing stirring music, or hearing something that creates that
feeling)? We had a church revival with
some traveling preacher and I was standing with friends down front after some
fun activity and during the invitation I was able to tap into the euphoria and
convinced myself that this was the holy spirit, or Jesus or something that made
it OK for me to say, “I’m saved” but in reality I was unchanged. To my saved family and friends, I hope this
does not bring you sadness about my soul being lost, but it is just the truth.
Or as I told my sister when she shared her religious experience, “it just
didn’t take.”
So from
about 10 to 18 I sang songs, went to sermons (normally bored) listened to
stories and went to Sunday school. I
parroted the right things back at the right times, but I never felt different
nor even connected to the stories or the word.
In my high school years they would bring in things from other religions
and basically use the opportunity to say, “these other religions are different
and wrong, let’s laugh at their funny garments, practices or beliefs”. The point was clear, “we are right, they are
wrong. We are going to heaven, they are going to hell.” It seemed kinda presumptuous to me and my
brain immediately said, “but wouldn’t they think the same about us?” I took a world history class from Ms Watts,
where she talked about other major world religions like Muslims, Hindus and
Buddists. Their beliefs were even more
different and strange, but for them as valid as ours. They are all just different stories of how we
got here and why we are here. I was
attracted to the Hindu belief of “many paths to the mountaintop” as accepting
the validity of all faith, but then the knowledge of all the wars, persecution
and suffering inflicted in the name of religion by all faiths was
disappointing. As I was learning about
other would religious views I never felt a hunger or need for any of them, but
I also never felt a need within myself to have religious views to be complete
and happy. But I didn’t want to insult
my friends and family, so I kept my views to myself with those people. They were, after all, my beliefs.
I also found
that I enjoyed partying with friends, making fun of convention, laughing and
chasing girls (mostly unsuccessfully). I
tried to be a good person and not hurt others and as I went to college I
thought a lot about what it meant to be a good person. Not by some label, religious faith, title or
words I would speak, but by how I acted and felt about others. I guess I am still on that journey of trying
to be a better person and not be hurtful to others. Sometimes I miss, and for that I am
sorry. And for my religious friends, I
am not saying you are wrong, only that your beliefs are wrong for me. I wish you well and for you to have peace for
all your days. That’s what I am working
towards.
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