My Spiritual Journey

My Spiritual Journey

Or how I went from full-time Baptist to “here”  in my life.

One of my first memories is of standing in a crib in the nursery of Central Baptist Church in Lawton, OK waiting for my mom to get me to go home and have Sunday lunch.  I grew up in that church, going Sunday morning and night, Wednesday night, church socials, retreats and camps and socializing with church friends.  I had friends in the neighborhood that attended other churches, including one catholic, but got all my religious instruction at the feet of my parents and the Baptist church.  I sang in the choir, had crushes on the girls in church, played and socialized primarily with church people much of my life. I knew all the bible stories and had read enough verses over that time that I had it pretty much down. 

But I remember, things I heard from early in my church life not making sense to me.  When I asked my parents, they tried to explain why those things were as stated in the bible and Baptist dogma, or even to tell me that I had to have faith and just believe them.  But I was told in school about the scientific advances that resulted from questioning and looking at different possibilities to make break thru and wondered why the same rationale did not apply to religion.  I didn’t understand why babies in Africa had to go to hell, why other religions were wrong, or why Jesus would allow hell to exist if he truly loved us.  When I was around ten or eleven, I realized all my Sunday School mates had all gone down front to publicly profess their faith and “be saved”.  I wondered why I wasn’t and asked but could not get beyond the “you will know” or “a feeling of peace/grace will come over you” or other such platitudes.  I felt like an outsider in my family and my church and saw that I would be left behind if something did not happen.  I prayed, I tried to mentally get to a state that would feel special.  Do you know that feeling you can get when chills run down your spine, or your hair on your arms stand up, or you feel a sense of euphoria (OK, it could be like the feeling you get from sexual excitement, or hearing stirring music, or hearing something that creates that feeling)?  We had a church revival with some traveling preacher and I was standing with friends down front after some fun activity and during the invitation I was able to tap into the euphoria and convinced myself that this was the holy spirit, or Jesus or something that made it OK for me to say, “I’m saved” but in reality I was unchanged.  To my saved family and friends, I hope this does not bring you sadness about my soul being lost, but it is just the truth. Or as I told my sister when she shared her religious experience, “it just didn’t take.”

So from about 10 to 18 I sang songs, went to sermons (normally bored) listened to stories and went to Sunday school.  I parroted the right things back at the right times, but I never felt different nor even connected to the stories or the word.  In my high school years they would bring in things from other religions and basically use the opportunity to say, “these other religions are different and wrong, let’s laugh at their funny garments, practices or beliefs”.  The point was clear, “we are right, they are wrong. We are going to heaven, they are going to hell.”  It seemed kinda presumptuous to me and my brain immediately said, “but wouldn’t they think the same about us?”  I took a world history class from Ms Watts, where she talked about other major world religions like Muslims, Hindus and Buddists.  Their beliefs were even more different and strange, but for them as valid as ours.  They are all just different stories of how we got here and why we are here.  I was attracted to the Hindu belief of “many paths to the mountaintop” as accepting the validity of all faith, but then the knowledge of all the wars, persecution and suffering inflicted in the name of religion by all faiths was disappointing.  As I was learning about other would religious views I never felt a hunger or need for any of them, but I also never felt a need within myself to have religious views to be complete and happy.  But I didn’t want to insult my friends and family, so I kept my views to myself with those people.  They were, after all, my beliefs.

I also found that I enjoyed partying with friends, making fun of convention, laughing and chasing girls (mostly unsuccessfully).  I tried to be a good person and not hurt others and as I went to college I thought a lot about what it meant to be a good person.  Not by some label, religious faith, title or words I would speak, but by how I acted and felt about others.  I guess I am still on that journey of trying to be a better person and not be hurtful to others.  Sometimes I miss, and for that I am sorry.  And for my religious friends, I am not saying you are wrong, only that your beliefs are wrong for me.  I wish you well and for you to have peace for all your days.  That’s what I am working towards.